People look at me as I am out of my mind when I tell them that I just quit my job, and are now going to volunteer instead of looking for a new one.
When I talked to my brother, his first reaction was raising his voice and telling me to get to my senses. How will you pay for your new apartment? He continued with, I hope you know what you are doing. My reply was to laugh nervously, before I said; Yes I hope so too. And we both knew that I really had no idea what I am getting myself into. Then he went silent for a moment before his metallic voiced continued. I am proud of you. You have the guts to follow your dream, and you do not let the future trouble you or stand in your way. That left me thankful for the support, but it was my turn to be silent. Because he was wrong, I have been troubled.
I constantly have that tingling feeling in my stomach. That feeling that ensures that I cannot shut my mouth about something. My colleagues are sick of listening to me, and I am sure my friends are as well. And I need to mention my saving plan, because that is piercing my every move. If someone asks if we should grab a bite to eat, then I immediately are suggesting coffee instead, and behind the scene I am calculating what money I have left. I am worrying that I will not find someone to share my apartment with, so l can save money. The knot in my stomach is pressing for an airtight plan. And risk management and control is usually my game. This time I do not have that. I also worry if I will like it or not, if I will be comfortable around the people I will be working side by side with? What about my tasks? Will this be as I imagined it? The list is long, and right now it seems to be more worrying thoughts then comforting ones. So why do I do it? I mean, if I am worrying so much? And why do I not stay home, if I am that scared?
Because each time I ask to the mirror, is it worth it? I start smiling, and I have my answer. Then I suppress the economist that is twitching in agony of what may happen. In my opinion it is the same thing that drives you to the first day of university, or the blind date that your cousin set you up with. And the concern you have before the meeting that may support one of your projects or not. When I am thinking about it, I seem to be in the worrying business just as much as risk management. And when I am writing about it as now, it seems that the distress of concern is a large part of my life. I am troubled after I have handed over the analysis of the month, afraid that I left out an important detail. Or I am worrying if the blue shoes will match the black dress. And with all the things we are concerned about, we do tend to learn something. Even if it is that blue shoes does not match black, or the detail you left out annoyed your superior. And that is what I am aiming at, to learn and grow. What is the saying? To win big, you need to take risks? What is separating this from other actions in my life is that this is personal.
I have a poster in my living room that I bought for several years ago, and it reads: To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe… And this is me acting on my dream, and I plan and believe in it. The message finally sunk in, and so has my analysis. So the next time I get the question if I have thought this through, I will just answer: Yes, I have given this a serious thought. I have not just evaluated my risk but I have also reviewed my opportunities. And the result is quite clear. The gain from personal growth is far more valuable than any apartment. In the time to come, that is what will define me and force me to grow. So you tell me… What is actually the risk in that? I am after all, investing in myself.