My mother looked at me with those loving eyes, you know that look that only a mother masters when she looks at her child, and she put her hand on my cheek. It was a familiar touch and I leaned in to her hand while I half closed my eyes. Then she said with a proud voice to me; you have grown up to be such an amazing woman, and I accept the fact that I may not be a grandmother if that is what you choose… I froze!
First she said I was a grown woman, not a girl and not her child, but a grown woman. When your mother sees you like that, it is no point in denying it to yourself, but I can never really get use to that description. The first 30 years of my life I could still get away with being the girl. Second she had said that she had come to terms with that she was not gone be a grandmother. What the h… when did I run out of date? Slightly offended (read much) I marched in to the kitchen and was probably slamming a few pots around. Little did I then care that she probably could hear my childish behavior in to the living room. But I soon stopped and had to contemplate on what she had just said. Because it was only her telling me that no matter what I decided, she would love me anyway. And it was my own demons that made me behave unrationally. It just came in a bad time because I had just been through a couple of days when I realized that my 38th birthday brought me closer to that four zero number. I was undisputable a grown woman. And far worse, maybe she had a point that I needed to address the baby issue.
When my mother came in to the kitchen, I mumbled something like: I cannot get a baby now can I… I just quit my job and decided to go to South Africa. I could see that she was filling her lungs with air, and that I had only poured gasoline on the fire. With the most flattering voice ever she started… It is actually a good time between jobs, then you will get support from the government (like that is a good thing?) and you can have more time looking for what you want to do later in life…
Oh my… Did I tell you that my mother works for the government and with welfare?
She got that dreamy look in her eyes as she leaned towards the counter as she continued. I would help you, you know…
At that time I put my hands over my ears and moaned in despair, and she stopped talking immediately and smiled to me in understanding. But it was too late, I already felt as a mischief and a bad daughter. I was the daughter that denied her the grandchild. It does not help that my brother (who is two years younger than me) does not have any children either. For some reason the same pressure is never on the guys. Why is that? They have a far more easy job. They get the fun part of it all, and then they can just hang around for nine months and get it handed over to them. Maybe screaming and in diapers that need to be changed, but they do not have to go through nine months of hell and risking their body turning in to dough.
That evening when I got ready for my date, I downed down a shot of whiskey, to get over the entire thing, and then another. If I was lucky I did not have to discuss the children issue. It was the first date and usually you are able to avoid that topic until second. It turned out he had three kids… It was a short date.
NB! the picture is from the stunt that was used to promote the film Devil’s Due in New York, which was released in US cinemas on 17 January