Bad, bad daughter!

My mother looked at me with those loving eyes, you know that look that only a mother masters when she looks at her child, and she put her hand on my cheek. It was a familiar touch and I leaned in to her hand while I half closed my eyes. Then she said with a proud voice to me; you have grown up to be such an amazing woman, and I accept the fact that I may not be a grandmother if that is what you choose… I froze!

First she said I was a grown woman, not a girl and not her child, but a grown woman. When your mother sees you like that, it is no point in denying it to yourself, but I can never really get use to that description. The first 30 years of my life I could still get away with being the girl. Second she had said that she had come to terms with that she was not gone be a grandmother. What the h… when did I run out of date? Slightly offended (read much) I marched in to the kitchen and was probably slamming a few pots around. Little did I then care that she probably could hear my childish behavior in to the living room. But I soon stopped and had to contemplate on what she had just said. Because it was only her telling me that no matter what I decided, she would love me anyway. And it was my own demons that made me behave unrationally. It just came in a bad time because I had just been through a couple of days when I realized that my 38th birthday brought me closer to that four zero number. I was undisputable a grown woman. And far worse, maybe she had a point that I needed to address the baby issue.

When my mother came in to the kitchen, I mumbled something like: I cannot get a baby now can I… I just quit my job and decided to go to South Africa. I could see that she was filling her lungs with air, and that I had only poured gasoline on the fire. With the most flattering voice ever she started… It is actually a good time between jobs, then you will get support from the government (like that is a good thing?) and you can have more time looking for what you want to do later in life…

Oh my… Did I tell you that my mother works for the government and with welfare?

She got that dreamy look in her eyes as she leaned towards the counter as she continued. I would help you, you know…

At that time I put my hands over my ears and moaned in despair, and she stopped talking immediately and smiled to me in understanding.  But it was too late, I already felt as a mischief and a bad daughter. I was the daughter that denied her the grandchild. It does not help that my brother (who is two years younger than me) does not have any children either. For some reason the same pressure is never on the guys. Why is that? They have a far more easy job. They get the fun part of it all, and then they can just hang around for nine months and get it handed over to them. Maybe screaming and in diapers that need to be changed, but they do not have to go through nine months of hell and risking their body turning in to dough.

That evening when I got ready for my date, I downed down a shot of whiskey, to get over the entire thing, and then another. If I was lucky I did not have to discuss the children issue. It was the first date and usually you are able to avoid that topic until second. It turned out he had three kids… It was a short date.


NB! the picture is from the stunt that was used to promote the film Devil’s Due in New York, which was released in US cinemas on 17 January


About Oslogeek

Welcome to my page! My opinions are mine, but I would love to hear yours. So please let me know what you think.
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4 Responses to Bad, bad daughter!

  1. Sorry you feel the way you do about the kid thing & giving birth to them youngins. It means a lot to me to have them around but am still waiting to get there when no one would accept me as I was having a lot of issues with jobs & keeping them. It all started from my own health issues after I was born. the older you get, the harder it is to have kids as your body starts to become dysfunctional & need more nutrition later & while you are having kids if ever want them. I am really working on my nutritional habits to make sure I have healthy kids with my woman who loves & soothes all my pains from me. Guys never have to feel as they have been brought up by a father depending on how that father was & what you have in mind for what you want in a man & how he should perform.
    No one can accept the pain or suffering ever, but we all go through it from childhood to the time we die. If we didn’t have kids, we would finally lose existence. Hope this isn’t too mean to think about.
    I would also say that picking a guy who loves you & will stand by you all the time is better than not having a father at all & bringing up children on your own. There are going to be times when kids can’t be around your elders like parents & your thinking of doing anything will come where you won’t have any time for yourself anymore.

    • Oslogeek says:

      I love to hear people’s honest opinion.

      I have no doubt that your own children are the most fantastic thing. And it is not that I have decided that I do not want children. I have not decided that I do want them either. The only thing I do know is that here I am, 38 years old, and there is no man in my life, and therefore no children planned. It is not a conscious decision, no long term plan that I set in action, to be where I am today. But I have taken decisions to no longer be in the relationships I have had, because I was not happy. I have changed jobs because I was not content. I have taken choices because I did want this or I did not want that. But I have never taken a choice to either say I want or I do not want children.
      If I by some wonder would wake up one morning and decide that I would like to have children. (That may happen) what should I do then? Rush of to some fertility clinic? Or rush out to the bars and lure with me a man home. That last option is Russian roulette. It is not that I do not like children, I think they are fantastic in their ways. But would I like to get a child alone right now? Absolutely not. Does that mean I chose them away forever? Absolutely not. Do I realize that I am getting older and should take this decision? Absolutely!

      • Hi Annie!
        I am glad you are thinking of kids then. I was just trying to understand where you were at in a relationship or trying to give you advice that I have seen from others that complain so much about their relationships & not trying to listen in on them but they are loud enough to just listen when I was thinking of things I needed to do. I am sorry for doing that, but not sorry that it helps others like you to know what you should look for if not happy with the man you are dating or have a relationship with.
        It makes me sick to know some women will take the abuse instead of reaching out for something better. Kids are not just to be had & hope they turn out for the good. I really think if you had a mother who was good enough to give you morals in your life, you would really want to provide that kind of thinking to your own kids when you do have them.
        Relationships are just a start of what you need to get a life with someone else you want to be with forever. That’s why I replied because I thought you might love to hear about what was honest from me to you. I love people who can give their opinions & listen to mine also where chatting has to do with psychology & other issues I never got into in my younger life.

  2. Oslogeek says:

    Honesty and opinions is always good. Sometimes it will challange you to see things in a different light. 🙂

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